it's not even noon yet

i'm so stiff today. i've heated my back, done my yoga, and my back is still stiff as fuck. I made an appt. for my next pt session. i'm really depressed about it. i've mad a call to a new therapist since mine moved. which has got me in a fear spin. about life. am i doing it right. what am i doing wrong. how do i do it better. i never thought i was a perfectionist. ever. but i feel like deep down, i have this perfectionism about getting my issues fixed. i feel like some of this is coming from one of my antidepressants. one of the side effects is having suicidal thoughts. which i can say i haven't gotten there. but i haven't been this low for awhile. maybe its just where im at in life with everything going on. sometimes when i move around when i'm sitting the metal feels like its grinding against my other vertebrae. who knows. lately when i've been sitting my left leg has been going numb. ok more than lately. the last 3 months. it makes it real i talk about it. so i don't. fuck. i don't know if its because of my metal or because i'm getting old. ok i know i'm not old. i guess i mean because my bodies changing and getting older. i'm not 16 anymore. whatever that means. sometimes i feel like a 25 year old stuck in an 82 year olds body.