it's not even noon yet

i'm so stiff today. i've heated my back, done my yoga, and my back is still stiff as fuck. I made an appt. for my next pt session. i'm really depressed about it. i've mad a call to a new therapist since mine moved. which has got me in a fear spin. about life. am i doing it right. what am i doing wrong. how do i do it better. i never thought i was a perfectionist. ever. but i feel like deep down, i have this perfectionism about getting my issues fixed. i feel like some of this is coming from one of my antidepressants. one of the side effects is having suicidal thoughts. which i can say i haven't gotten there. but i haven't been this low for awhile. maybe its just where im at in life with everything going on. sometimes when i move around when i'm sitting the metal feels like its grinding against my other vertebrae. who knows. lately when i've been sitting my left leg has been going numb. ok more than lately. the last 3 months. it makes it real i talk about it. so i don't. fuck. i don't know if its because of my metal or because i'm getting old. ok i know i'm not old. i guess i mean because my bodies changing and getting older. i'm not 16 anymore. whatever that means. sometimes i feel like a 25 year old stuck in an 82 year olds body.

dreaming

when i woke up today my first thought getting up....it's real it isn't a dream. i can feel the metal in my back with every movement. thankfully today i don't think as much of the fall as i used to whenever i move. it still does happen though. seeing the sky for a split second. i can still feel the coldness on my face from the cement. lately my white light experience has been replaying in my mind. which i don't know if it has to do with my sobriety anniversary coming up. so i'm thinking about all that i'm grateful for and then my white light comes to mind. i don't know. somedays, most days it feels like a dream. i don't talk about it that often with people because i think they're tired of hearing about it. so instead it sits in my head all day and rolls around. i wish that it was just a bad dream.

running away

i've just gotten another script for physical therapy, another two months of workin' it. it's a relief to be able to keep going but then it also means more appointments. i'm also finding that writing entries or even just trying to think about writing puts me in a bad head space. but i guess thats one of the reasons i wanted to start this. so i could actually deal with my feelings. i've been working with a therapist doing emdr. which is a very graphic experience. one that was to graphic for me, i only did 3 sessions. i know i need to go back. being a human being and an alcoholic i do not want to go there. i can get so worked up about having to talk about my feelings before i'm even in therapy or meeting with my sponsor. it brings me to tears. i have a big issue with fear, that i'm working on. slowly....