it's not even noon yet

i'm so stiff today. i've heated my back, done my yoga, and my back is still stiff as fuck. I made an appt. for my next pt session. i'm really depressed about it. i've mad a call to a new therapist since mine moved. which has got me in a fear spin. about life. am i doing it right. what am i doing wrong. how do i do it better. i never thought i was a perfectionist. ever. but i feel like deep down, i have this perfectionism about getting my issues fixed. i feel like some of this is coming from one of my antidepressants. one of the side effects is having suicidal thoughts. which i can say i haven't gotten there. but i haven't been this low for awhile. maybe its just where im at in life with everything going on. sometimes when i move around when i'm sitting the metal feels like its grinding against my other vertebrae. who knows. lately when i've been sitting my left leg has been going numb. ok more than lately. the last 3 months. it makes it real i talk about it. so i don't. fuck. i don't know if its because of my metal or because i'm getting old. ok i know i'm not old. i guess i mean because my bodies changing and getting older. i'm not 16 anymore. whatever that means. sometimes i feel like a 25 year old stuck in an 82 year olds body.

dreaming

when i woke up today my first thought getting up....it's real it isn't a dream. i can feel the metal in my back with every movement. thankfully today i don't think as much of the fall as i used to whenever i move. it still does happen though. seeing the sky for a split second. i can still feel the coldness on my face from the cement. lately my white light experience has been replaying in my mind. which i don't know if it has to do with my sobriety anniversary coming up. so i'm thinking about all that i'm grateful for and then my white light comes to mind. i don't know. somedays, most days it feels like a dream. i don't talk about it that often with people because i think they're tired of hearing about it. so instead it sits in my head all day and rolls around. i wish that it was just a bad dream.

running away

i've just gotten another script for physical therapy, another two months of workin' it. it's a relief to be able to keep going but then it also means more appointments. i'm also finding that writing entries or even just trying to think about writing puts me in a bad head space. but i guess thats one of the reasons i wanted to start this. so i could actually deal with my feelings. i've been working with a therapist doing emdr. which is a very graphic experience. one that was to graphic for me, i only did 3 sessions. i know i need to go back. being a human being and an alcoholic i do not want to go there. i can get so worked up about having to talk about my feelings before i'm even in therapy or meeting with my sponsor. it brings me to tears. i have a big issue with fear, that i'm working on. slowly....

from the beginning...2 years ago..

it was just after one in the afternoon. i was coming home from having brunch with my girlfriend. my buddy is standing up on the roof cleaning out the rain gutters. he takes a glance at me, ice in his eyes. we had talked weeks ago that the next nice day we would do it. well i had forgotten. i clamber up the ladder. we're were on the steep side of the roof, a bucket in between us scooting along grabbing hand fulls of leaves. talking about his mother that had past the year prior and that him and his sister were leaving town for the holiday. it probably wasn't the best time to be having such a conversation. i remember looking behind me checking to see how close i was to the corner of the roof line. caught up in the conversation a few minutes later. it slips my mind as i scoot back. my foot slips off the corner, my leg dragging the rest of my body down. smack onto a lower roof. i starting sliding towards the edge. i remember trying to grab onto anything with my hands and trying to stop my body with my feet. i could hear ben yelling NO KATY CALL 911! i slide over the edge. landing onto a steel railing, flipping finally onto the cement pathway. the wind was knocked out me trying to catch my breath, i couldn't feel my body at first. it took a second i could move my upper body, i remember trying to life my torso up. but not my legs. soon to be told not to move by our lovely neighbor gail. she covered me with a blanket. i rested my head on the cold cement. i remember spitting out blood. my first thought was that there was internal damage. i thought there was no way i was going to make it out of this. flashes of my family and friends go through my mind. i remember thinking that i lived a good life, but the grief of that there was so much more that i wanted to do. i was happy it was going to end on a sober note. my mind slowly starts fading into a white fog. hearing gail's voice off in the distance to wake up! i think i remember her slapping my face. finally the fire fighters and paramedics get there. as they try to move my body. surges of pain shoot through my body every time its moved, touched, bumped. it was the longest 15 minute ride of my life. i remember groaning in pain with every bump. they started cutting off my favorite shirt and carhartts on the way. sticking an iv in my arm and pain meds. they didn't do anything. finally getting to the hospital all i remember is bright lights and shadows of drs and nurses asking me questions. i remember seeing my brothers face very distinctly in the room. i was in a neck brace, so all i could see was his shoulders and face. i've never seen this look on my brothers face. fear. my brother was afraid of nothing. i couldn't see my body what shape it was in. i faded in and out with the drugs they had me on. i remember waking up in a different room filled with voices of people that i held dearly in my heart. some would come hold my hand. i would see fear in their eyes, that they were trying to hide. i can still see those faces today... i had broken my back. fractured and chipped t10-1-t12. a month later they fused t9-l1. i have 2 rods and 9 screws in there. i set off metal detectors. through this time as well. my buddy that was up on the roof with me. my buddy that was supposed to be there for me when i need him most. he stepped out of my life. i was laid up for 4 months on pills, watching endless movies, reading, beating video games, staring at the ceiling. and losing my mind. i lost my girlfriend and best friend. and was losing my mind. i was a sober person on pills. not really a recommended combination....for now thats all i can handle...